What sibling arguments reveal about the psychology of anger and patience

This time, I would like to think with you about "sibling fights," one of the most common concerns I receive consultations about. 

Should I stop sibling fights?

Should parents let them fight without intervening?

Especially when they are hitting, kicking, or about to hurt each other, or when they are shouting insults without caring who is watching...Sibling fights present various dilemmas for parents. 

Let's consider these fights from a psychological perspective. 

⚫A good child outside?

One reason why siblings fight is considered to be the close psychological distance between them.

Children often act with a sense of tension outside the home, even if they are not consciously aware of it.Therefore, they may behave differently at home or lash out at parents and siblings as a reaction to stress experienced outside the home. Also, since they perceive home as a relaxing space, they tend to lose their inhibitions towards others.

In other words, because family members and siblings are emotionally close and trusted, children can express their thoughts and frustrations honestly, which can lead to sibling fights. 

⚫Brain function and psychology by age 

Children aged two to three are at an age where they cannot control their impulses. 

One reason for this is said to be that the part of the brain called the "prefrontal cortex" on the surface of the brain has not yet begun to function. 

The prefrontal cortex is said to be the center of brain function that suppresses impulsive desires, and it is the part of our brain responsible for reason. If this part is underdeveloped, it may be natural that instinctive desires cannot be suppressed. 

Children in this period often have difficulty interacting with others and are prone to emotional outbursts. In some cases, their development may only include egocentric feelings, and it is common for them to hit, kick, bite, scratch, or push others even over minor issues.

When children reach 4 to 6 years of age, their brain functions develop, and they become able to control themselves to some extent. It is also said that this is a period of emotional development, where they learn to understand the emotions of others and adjust their own emotions. 

⚫According to one study... 

There was a study that observed how 20 girls aged 3 and 4 showed facial expressions and words when they received a disappointing gift from someone else.

It was reported that when opening a gift by themselves, toddlers often showed disappointed expressions.

However, when opening a gift in front of the person who gave it, 3-year-olds showed disappointed expressions, while 4-year-olds sometimes hid their disappointment, smiled, and said "thank you."

Although there are significant individual differences, this study may indicate that children gradually learn to consider others' feelings and regulate their own emotions from around age 4. 

⚫Are fights not always bad? 

So, are sibling fights always a bad thing? 

One of the benefits of sibling fights is said to be that "children develop the ability to think from another person's perspective, not just their own." 

Around the age of four, children begin to develop the ability to understand others' feelings (other-perspective taking), and through sibling fights, they are said to learn to consider things from another's point of view. 

Case Study 1: A 3-year-old boy and a 5-year-old boy

These were two boys who were two years apart. They fought over trivial things and really did fight every day. The younger child would throw tantrums and cry loudly when things didn't go his way.  

In this case, the parents, hearing the younger child's cries, would inevitably scold the older child. It seemed the younger child had mistakenly learned that "crying and getting angry can solve problems when things don't go your way." 

This was a case where family education was provided to the parents while coaching them on emotional management. 

※ What is emotional coaching?

Emotional coaching is considered important. It involves acknowledging the feelings of young children rather than suppressing negative emotional expressions like anger or crying outright. It teaches them that problems can be resolved through words and actions, even without expressing "crying" or "anger."

It is believed that young children will learn to face their emotions, regulate them appropriately, and solve problems they encounter. Eventually, they will be able to regulate their emotions on their own, without the help of caregivers. 

Case Study 2: A 5-year-old boy and an 8-year-old girl 

They consulted us because the two children were always competing and fighting over trivial things. 

Upon closer examination, it was revealed that the parents themselves were partly responsible for the competition between the two children, with remarks such as, "Big sister eats quickly, doesn't she?" and "Aren't you ready yet? We're leaving with your sister now."  

There was a possibility that the children themselves had mistakenly learned, "Only the one who wins the competition gets praised?" The case showed that by being constantly made to compete and only being praised by adults when they won, the children had inevitably started to compete in their daily lives as well. We advised the parents to refrain from using language that encourages competition.

⚫Summary 

This was about sibling rivalry. As mentioned earlier, fighting is not always bad; in some ways, it is necessary for development. 

Depending on the child's age, and their brain development and psychological growth, parents may need to change their approach. It might also be beneficial to review one's own lifestyle and behavior when considering sibling arguments. 

 Arguments can also happen because it's family, and they can speak their minds without hesitation. Therefore, it's important to encourage children to understand each other's emotions, starting with why someone is angry or crying.

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Thank you, teacher, for your valuable insights!