Hello!
"You've made such a mess again..."
"Hurry up and do [x]!" → (Usually followed by "I was just about to do it...")
"Hurry up!"
Such exchanges are a daily occurrence, aren't they?
Many mothers probably look at their sleeping child at night, vow to themselves, "Tomorrow, I'll get through the day without scolding them," and then end up scolding them again the next morning.
They want to get through the day without scolding, if possible, but then they worry if it's okay not to scold them when they've done something wrong.
This time, we interviewed a certified psychologist about "scolding" children.
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Hello. My name is Tanaka, and I am a certified psychologist.
Today, I'd like to think with you about a question I often receive in consultations: "Is it better to scold?"
It's not uncommon for parents to struggle with "how much to scold" in parenting. You might regret being too harsh, or conversely, worry about being too lenient.
In recent years, especially on social media, there have been many cases of children's manners becoming an issue in public places. Many of these posts complain about "parents not scolding their noisy children."
However, when considering a child's emotional development, is it truly beneficial to scold them strictly? Parents may be struggling with child-rearing amidst such conflicts.
● Reasons for scolding/getting angry
Various reasons are given for getting angry. The parent's current environment, feelings, and physical condition might also be contributing factors. In such cases, anger management, environmental adjustments, and objectively examining why you are angry may be important.
Also, scolding to a certain extent is sometimes considered necessary to build manners, social skills, and cooperativeness. In the field of education, many argue about the negative consequences of not scolding children, stating that it is necessary to teach them "what not to do" when they inconvenience others.
"Scolding" is an act of conveying rules, regulations, and what is important. It is said that by clearly conveying these, children learn to distinguish between right and wrong, and "scolding" leads to "learning."
● Is too much scolding also bad?
First, let's consider the act of "scolding."
If you look at daily life, many families might see their children reluctantly starting tasks after being sternly scolded with phrases like, "Clean up!" or "Have you done your homework?!"
While parents might think that their children won't do anything without being scolded, children who are scolded may feel intense pressure from it.
Neuroscientifically, it is said that feeling intense pressure causes stress. When under high stress, children's emotions tend to become negative, and in that state, brain function may temporarily decline.
● To praise or to scold...
According to a meta-analysis of research on "praising" and "scolding," positive feedback (such as praise) is reported to lead to various positive psychological and behavioral responses, including motivation, more effectively than negative feedback (such as scolding).
In other words, while there are situations where scolding is necessary, in daily interactions, approaches such as "acknowledging what they can do" and "praising their efforts" are considered highly likely to promote a child's growth.
● Case Study
A-kun, a 6-year-old boy, came from a strict family. His older brother was the type who always took the initiative in studying and presentations. A-kun, however, was not good at expressing himself, so his parents often scolded him.
Several years later, at the age of 8, he developed alexithymia, a condition where he experienced a loss of emotions, and sought medical attention.
Of course, not all cases turn out this way, but it may be necessary to understand that excessive scolding can potentially affect a child's mind.
● Is scolding a lost opportunity?
When parents are surveyed about what they want their children to become, one item that always comes up is, "I want them to challenge various things and new things," and "I want them to become people who can think for themselves."
This means that many parents feel this way.
So, what is the act of "scolding"? Perhaps, in a sense, it is teaching and admonishing. While scolding is certainly necessary, if we assume it is teaching and admonishing, it can sometimes lead to taking away opportunities for children to think for themselves and take action.
● Summary
When it comes to building social skills, teaching and admonishing are, of course, indispensable.
As a parent, when scolding, it might be necessary to list the situations in which you are likely to scold your child and to prepare the environment, rather than impulsively losing your temper.
There's a saying that failures should be interpreted as opportunities, not condemnations.
While there's a debate about whether it's better to scold or praise, it might be good to first ask the child why they acted a certain way and give them an opportunity to think for themselves about what went wrong, before scolding.
I don't think there's such a thing as parenting without any scolding at all, so even if you do get angry, reflecting on it is important, but it's also crucial not to overthink it.
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Thank you, Sensei, for your valuable insights!